I think a lot, probably more than the peers in the same age group. The fact that I’ve been alone most of my life has amplified that prospect. Xavier used to tease me that I slice and then dice every single aspect of my life. He is not farther from the truth.

This particular ‘thinking’ has increased a lot in the past few weeks.
What have I done with my life?
Am I satisfied with what I have done?
Did I get what I wanted?
Do I like what I got?
Where do I want to go further?
What do I want to do?

All such questions and more.

Professionally I think I got more than what I expected. May be I am not that ‘celebrity’ achiever. But in my own way, I have turned around my life and have grown confident. And I think if I continue applying the same principles, I will continue my growth.

However, I started to feel I am not being challenged any more professionally. I feel bored at office. I feel I’m not contributing much to the projects that I’m in. I was so disturbed that I had a discussion with my boss (he is not that elder than me – may be 4 years older). He listened and then provided a different perspective. He said, ‘May be you are managing the project and the team well that there are no burning issues; or you don’t have to do fire-fighting; May be it is time for you to just relax and enjoy your life; why do you want to be in a rescued mode all the time?’. He also encouraged me to learn something new – not at office but outside of office. I should seriously consider that option.

Considering personal level, my confidence has grown higher when I compare myself a decade back. Despite all the setbacks, I still have a good amount of confidence in most aspect of my life. I still have an attitude to learn and try out new things.

That is the positive side, but on the relationships level, I’ve been pathetic. I’ve had many failures – more than most of my age group fellows. Recently I’ve started to feel lonelier; that is the reasoning behind all the questioning. I don’t feel that I’m in the ‘core’ of anyone’s life any more. I am thrown into the periphery of everyone that I know. I don’t feel wanted; I don’t feel I am needed. I feel a strong rejection. May be it is just a feeling that will go away. Or may be not.

May be I’ve lived in a fantasy world of ‘I’ll be loved or being loved’. But the reality was and is different. I don’t know. I am a lot more confused. Two days back I was in my bed, after office, with so much of anger and confusion that I thought I was becoming insane.

Having no shoulder to lean on and to have a discussion without being prejudice and judged, only makes it difficult.

I think, for the past few years, I’ve acted against my introvert personality. That has caused a bit of tension within me. Also I have trusted folks who either threw me out of the window or just didn’t care or didn’t show that I mattered.

I already mentioned that I used to have an imaginary friend when I grew up. It very well complimented for the lack of friends. I used to write to that ‘friend’; imagine being with the ‘friend’ and so on. I keep thinking of going back to that mode. May be I’ll start writing journals. Along with what I described above, this means that I will get into my world – however fantasy or fancy or nightmarish it is.

I know it is all random thoughts. Hopefully I will be out of this crisis soon.