Almost an year ago (August 9th), I flew back to India with crushed dreams about better personal and official life. Initial days were particularly hard with sleepless nights and flashbacks compounded by the fact the I wasn’t allocated a project. With my asocial personality and ‘just arrived’ status, I wasn’t able to get friends either. Even some of the colleagues whom I thought could be friends turned out to be too pushy and judgmental. I was struggling to pass each moment. Amidst this ordeal, my sister and brother-in-law were of great support. But luck played a havoc and they moved to another city. There are still days when I wake up in the middle of the night and stay awake, sometimes wondering if I am turning to be a lunatic.

Things started to settle down. I got into a project where I am managing few critical applications which keeps me busy. Eventually I got a friend who is accommodative and to be fun with. But my world is still not how I pictured it. There are still heart-aches, loneliness, pain and sorrow.

That said, I have been analyzing my thoughts and moods over this year. I realized that somehow I have developed a melancholic temperament – always thinking about whatever I lost, or being depressed about the future. Not that my present is enjoyable or I have a hopeful future, but being in that state puts me down often. Also I realized that I don’t have a hope for tomorrow. I have gotten all my goals achieved and others crushed, and subsequently I didn’t formulate further goals to pursue. Going forth, I should change.