I’m going for swimming every day. During week days I go between 5-6 and on weekends, I go in the morning. Some days I spend about 2 hours. Until a week back, I had enough energy even after swimming. But of late I’ve started to practice back crawl and I find that I am way too tired. Like this weekend, I was so exhausted that I slept for more than 3 hours during the day.

Now I can swim for about 18 mts using front crawl with proper breathing. I still pant like a dog when I finish it. But after some rest, I can do again. One day I did about 7 times. Other days, if I do other crawls, then I don’t do that much. As of now, I’ve learnt only front crawl. I’m not getting other ones. Still to learn.

As I already mentioned, I had this psychological fear of water because I drowned once. So I’m thrilled that I got out of it and am swimming. Yet, even now there are moments that I am gripped with the fear of drowning. I got to tell myself I will be okay. It is not an easy one, but I am trying and winning.

Most of you might have gotten one or the other amazing sayings from Pravsworld. I got one recently and it neatly says the the mistakes I did in relations.

• Making folks priority for whom I was just an option
• Crying and caring for those who don’t care or cry for me

At least in the future, I should change. But can I?

After about two weeks in the swimming pool yesterday I was able to swim for 30 feet (10 meters) with proper breathing. I know it is not much but I am glad that I was able to do it.

I don’t know what you thought of when you read the title. No, I’m not looking for a ghost. This is the title of the book by Danielle Steel that I read recently.

Both ‘Bitter Sweet’ and ‘The Ghost’ are about letting go of the past wounds and embracing the future. Both are good in their own respect but I think ‘The Ghost’ is better captivating than the other one.

It is a story of a business executive Charlie who thinks he has everything in life – 10 years of happy married life, well recognized job, and a good house and so on. But news hits him hard and sudden – his marriage is over. His wife has an affair and would like to get married to the other guy. Charlie is broken. He moves out of London to New York. Even this change of location doesn’t get him back to normality. He takes 6 months of leave and takes a drive, without knowing where to go.

On the way, a storm hits and he has to take a shelter in a village. He gets in conversation with the inn keeper and it turns interesting. Charlie admires the beauty of the village and the friendship of the inn keeper, though an old lady. He then rents one of her chateau for six months.

That is where he meets her – Sarah, the one with an incredible courage and strength; not in person though, but via her journals. So begins a story within a story. As he reads through what Sarah went through and then how she found love and lived happily for many more years, the healing process begins within him. He finds courage to face his future.

The plot is well done. I couldn’t put down the book. Though this is one of Danielle’s earlier works, I think it is the best of all the novels that I read. As I read the last page, I got so emotional that I could’ve cried.

Everyone gets stumped by events in life. A fresh new perspective and a trusted friend is what it takes to get through from being a looser to a survivor. All the more interesting if the friend turns out to be the one with whom you spend the rest of your life.

I think a lot, probably more than the peers in the same age group. The fact that I’ve been alone most of my life has amplified that prospect. Xavier used to tease me that I slice and then dice every single aspect of my life. He is not farther from the truth.

This particular ‘thinking’ has increased a lot in the past few weeks.
What have I done with my life?
Am I satisfied with what I have done?
Did I get what I wanted?
Do I like what I got?
Where do I want to go further?
What do I want to do?

All such questions and more.

Professionally I think I got more than what I expected. May be I am not that ‘celebrity’ achiever. But in my own way, I have turned around my life and have grown confident. And I think if I continue applying the same principles, I will continue my growth.

However, I started to feel I am not being challenged any more professionally. I feel bored at office. I feel I’m not contributing much to the projects that I’m in. I was so disturbed that I had a discussion with my boss (he is not that elder than me – may be 4 years older). He listened and then provided a different perspective. He said, ‘May be you are managing the project and the team well that there are no burning issues; or you don’t have to do fire-fighting; May be it is time for you to just relax and enjoy your life; why do you want to be in a rescued mode all the time?’. He also encouraged me to learn something new – not at office but outside of office. I should seriously consider that option.

Considering personal level, my confidence has grown higher when I compare myself a decade back. Despite all the setbacks, I still have a good amount of confidence in most aspect of my life. I still have an attitude to learn and try out new things.

That is the positive side, but on the relationships level, I’ve been pathetic. I’ve had many failures – more than most of my age group fellows. Recently I’ve started to feel lonelier; that is the reasoning behind all the questioning. I don’t feel that I’m in the ‘core’ of anyone’s life any more. I am thrown into the periphery of everyone that I know. I don’t feel wanted; I don’t feel I am needed. I feel a strong rejection. May be it is just a feeling that will go away. Or may be not.

May be I’ve lived in a fantasy world of ‘I’ll be loved or being loved’. But the reality was and is different. I don’t know. I am a lot more confused. Two days back I was in my bed, after office, with so much of anger and confusion that I thought I was becoming insane.

Having no shoulder to lean on and to have a discussion without being prejudice and judged, only makes it difficult.

I think, for the past few years, I’ve acted against my introvert personality. That has caused a bit of tension within me. Also I have trusted folks who either threw me out of the window or just didn’t care or didn’t show that I mattered.

I already mentioned that I used to have an imaginary friend when I grew up. It very well complimented for the lack of friends. I used to write to that ‘friend’; imagine being with the ‘friend’ and so on. I keep thinking of going back to that mode. May be I’ll start writing journals. Along with what I described above, this means that I will get into my world – however fantasy or fancy or nightmarish it is.

I know it is all random thoughts. Hopefully I will be out of this crisis soon.

It seems to be that it happened yesterday. The events are so vivid in my memory. But 5 years have passed so quickly! Today my sister and BIL are celebrating their wedding anniversary. Many wishes to them.

After months of searching for a swimming pool (I’ve been searching for one which will teach for older folks; most of them had camps for kids), I found one near my house. It is a club and comes with few other facilities as well, but until I learn swimming properly, I will be using only the swimming pool. It is a great feeling to have put down the fear of drowning and be in water. Yet there is so much to do before I could claim that I can swim well.

I return from swim and then I’m on the treadmill. I missed being on it. Right now, I don’t want to take it too much on myself. I’m doing just 6 kms/hr but with a first degree inclination. It is also one way of venting my frustration.

So far it is going good.

My idea of Physiotherapy was that it reduces pain. Apparently it wasn’t so. They find all the trigger points of the pain and release the stiffness in each of the points, which in turn increase the pain in those points. But the good news is that, once these trigger pains are identified and released, the whole spasm goes away.

I went for physiotherapy on both days and it was painful; not so much as it happened last weekend but still very painful 🙁

If that was physical, it was difficult even emotionally. It was as if someone ripped my heart and left to bleed. It was difficult to bear it silently and not to show it.

I know I am sad
And my days are no good
But I’ll be just fine
Will get through this pain
One day, I’ll have a smile
Then my heart will go for a dance

After few pain killers I got better. Still I went to check with an ortho. He said it is nothing serious (slip disc etc) but few bones are weak and needs to be strengthened. I got to go for physiotherapy for few sittings.

These 2-3 days were very tough on me. Am glad its over.