The climate has gone chill with the pouring rains. As much as it is a good news, with the change in weather, I got much wheezing. It was so much that I couldn’t be on the treadmill. For the whole week, I felt as a zombie. With my disturbed mental state, it wasn’t a good thing.

Saturday I took a strong dose and went on the TM. I could do only 7 km in an hour – but with a little inclination – and I felt so much better.

I hope I can continue to be on TM and feel better the whole day.

To loose weight, it is not just workout but a good diet is also mandatory. This means reduction in carbs and increase in proteins. But this has given me an unexpected trouble – bloating and flatulence. Apparently food rich in protein (dates, almonds, skim milk!.) bloats you and produces flatulence!

Now what do I do? I’ve to get back to carbs and forget about loosing any more weight.

Yesterday, I woke up mentally and physically tired. I tried to do some workout to bring back cheers, but the power went off. I managed to fake a smile throughout the day.

Today is no better, though I did do some workout. Again, I have been faking a smile.

How do I manage these days without a soul for me to put my head on their shoulder and talk without a sense?

I’ve kept few photos of my god-son in the office. I keep looking at them. I tell myself, at least for this guy, I need to keep myself from doing something insane. This has kept me on the better side of the road so far.

Oh! One good thing over these two weeks. I started to edit my trip to ‘Romantic Road’, Germany. (yes, yes, it was long time back). It is a pleasant thing to go over and watch all that video. Today I completed the video editing and transferred the edited video to the tape. I still have some issues in making a DVD. Hopefully in the evening that will be solved.

Learning to be non-dependent – is it to be independent?

5 months is over! Man, time flies fast.

It has been fantastic 5 months – mostly.

I have worked for 2 of the EXCOM at my firm – Chief Sales Officer and Chief Delivery Officer. In addition, I also worked for the EXCOM of the largest bank of Canada, though for a short time. How many get an opportunity like that?

And I got the second of the award.

I traveled to Toronto. But the thrilling one is the drive to Chennai. The times at IBR was just amazing; can never forget that.

Getting over with the psychological fear of water and learning to swim was a feat on its own. It is pity that I am not able to continue with it; but hey, I got it over with.

But of all, the greatest thing is me working out day after day and loosing 5 kilos and 4 inches. I feel damn good. This process has been wonderful. I feel young and good.

If it was all great; the matters of heart is worse. My attempts at love & friendship have been disaster. I expect too much and get disappointed, hurt and I pull away into my den. I am able to get connected; but building a good friendship – that is a different story and I suck at it.

Guess this is my weakness.

I’ve tried to improvise on this but have failed. I’m stronger wherever it just concerns me (personally). But when another soul is involved, I just break my heart with all the expectations and other stuff that goes along with it. It is like someone put their hand grabs a piece of the heart. It pains and I’m not able to bear it. Enough of beating my body with the treadmill.

I’ve decided to concentrate on my strengths and leave the weakness alone. May be it is not the right time; or may be I need to just meet the right person who will help me build a good friendship or whatever. So rest of the year will go on with me building on my core strength.

I am sure rest of the year is filled with lots of challenges, a painful good-bye and surprises (hopefully pleasant ones).

Am I ready for it?

This is probably the fastest evaporated investment that I ever did. It is beyond my comprehension how I lost the lenses; but I lost them. Remember having it during the day; possible that I missed it while taking them out in the dark (since there was no power).

I was already disappointed and down the whole day (for reasons, I’ll keep to myself); add this and my day ends in a very sad note. 🙁 I am going to bed depressed, feeling lonely, sad and disappointed at myself.

This year has been worse financially. I have lost a lot in the past one year.

All of you know that I

Everyday as I step on the treadmill and increase the speed slowly from 6 km/hr to 10 km/hr, my heart-beat races. Sometime later pain starts from the ankle and spreads to thigh muscles and soon the whole body aches. It begs to stop or at least reduce the speed. Heart beats as if it is going to pump all the blood and burst open.

Every part of the body starts to feel the pain. It isn’t easy to bear the pain, day after day.

Being trim, slim and slender is just one part of the story.

This physical pain helps me forget a greater pain – the pain of the tornado tearing me emotionally; the embracement of wrong decisions; the aches of being just a ‘passing cloud’; the disappointment of thousands of expressed and the other millions of unexpressed expectations; the agony of struggle between staying good and throwing everything out of the window.

When I step out of the treadmill, nearly fatigued, a pleasure, though sadistic, blooms inside – pleasure of beating oneself. A punishment to for all the wrong decisions made and the right decisions that didn’t get made.

Every sweat bead is an unshed tear drop.*

* Like yesterday night, there are many days that I feel so heavy and want to cry aloud. But no tear drop comes out of the heavy heart. Only way to compensate is either to run longer or at a faster pace or both. Today morning I did both.

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