This is the third consecutive night that I didn’t get any sleep. Not the complete night, but most of the night. Reason: Surge of emotions! Work pressure also adds up. What did I do through the night? One day I watched Notting hill. I would’ve seen this movie umpteen number of times. I lost count of times that I have seen it. One reason I don’t get bored seeing this movie is that  I could identify myself with the story: a man out of personal tragedy; trying to get along but facing a strange reality – that is my real life. And the climax depicts the fantasy world. For me, both worlds don’t meet.

Other days, I laid awake on the bed, reading a book. Or forcing myself to sleep. I have a strange habit of counting to 80 and falling asleep. Don’t tease! It is true. By the time, I count to 80, I would be sleepy. But not these days. Emotions were too strong. On one side are failures, heart-aches and bitterness; and on the other side excitement of the future; in-between lies the present, sometimes presenting as a challenge and other times more as a thorn. What surprises me is the energy I still have during the day. I do feel tired, but I seem to have enough of oil to burn.

…but the process was different. I was going to gym to downsize my belly so that I could get into pants that I bought couple of months back. As it happens with any new habits, I couldn’t keep it up. It was an, on and off affair. And with tasks flooding over me, it was just impossible to keep going to gym. When I concluded that there is no other option than to live with the horizontal growth, I started developing dental troubles and the dentist in the process of rectifying, has removed enamel on the teeth, which meant that I cannot chew or eat properly. It has been like that for a week or so, which eventually resulted in me loosing so much weight. Now those old pants are pretty loose. Should I worry about the process or just be glad with the result?

I am reading through ‘Wild Stories’, an anthology of travel articles published in ‘Men’s Journal’. One of the stories I read was about a guy named Guy Waterman. He was a hiker, a band player, and lived in a mountain place with his wife. One day he comes to his wife and says that in the course of winter he will go up to the mountain and he will end his life up there, by freezing to death in cold. The author notes that he was afraid of facing old age with all the diseases. As with other aspects of his life, he meticulously planned it and implemented it. I thought it was cool! Isn’t the ultimate control that one can have over their life by pinning down the day in which they are going to die? What he did appealed me, especially with all the heart-aches in personal life and unhappiness in job. It would mean that there is an event on which I have a control. I thought I should do it.
However, the more I thought about it, it doesn’t fit into my personality of ‘not-being-a-quitter’. I have gone through troubles, pain and sickness, but in all of that I have come through stronger than before. It is true I am heart-broken in a never before way and there is nothing motivating in my life. Can that be an excuse for quitting? May be I will think different if I was in Guy’s shoes. But for now, even with all the bruises, Guy stands outside my world.

I first saw her in a skin-tight leopard dress, singing, ‘That doesn’t impress me much’. That was an impressive performance by Shania Twain. I went and bought the album, ‘Come on over’. Only then I listed to the song, ‘Come on over’. I have never gotten tired of listening to that song. Whenever I need a ringing in my ears to get me out of cold and dull mood, I switch on the song. The chorus makes me come alive everytime.

Get a life-get a grip
Get away somewhere, take a trip
Take a break-take control
Take advice from someone you know 

These words have helped me many-a-times. Probably after I listened to these words, I have taken trips with a purpose – to relax and rejuvenate. And I have taken advice as well, which is an alien thought for me. Well, I wouldn’t say I took advice, it is more appropriate to say, I discussed the pros and cons.

However I didn’t enjoy her other albums. ‘Come on over’ was the best.

Somewhere I read, ‘Life is what happens to you when you plan the other things’. It has been true to a larger extent in my life. When I was dreaming of entering a premier Engineering school and had enough marks to get in, the government modified the allocation system that I ended up in a not-so premier institute. Then when I was all set to go to Bangalore for work, life events turned me to Madras. Later, when I landed in the US and made plans for a longer stay, I was chosen to go to Belgium. And in Belgium when I planned to set-up a firm, events beyond my control brought me back to India. Somewhere in-between, when things seemed fine in my personal life, a storm blew and smashed everything.

But I should mention though, except for the last one, I enjoyed the ride through diverted route. Hostel life during college days were unforgettable. So much fun that even now when I think about those days, I can laugh for hours. It was the same case about Belgium. That was hell of a ride.

I don’t know why these happen so. Is it because I don’t plan well or is it that life is just like that?

Almost an year ago (August 9th), I flew back to India with crushed dreams about better personal and official life. Initial days were particularly hard with sleepless nights and flashbacks compounded by the fact the I wasn’t allocated a project. With my asocial personality and ‘just arrived’ status, I wasn’t able to get friends either. Even some of the colleagues whom I thought could be friends turned out to be too pushy and judgmental. I was struggling to pass each moment. Amidst this ordeal, my sister and brother-in-law were of great support. But luck played a havoc and they moved to another city. There are still days when I wake up in the middle of the night and stay awake, sometimes wondering if I am turning to be a lunatic.

Things started to settle down. I got into a project where I am managing few critical applications which keeps me busy. Eventually I got a friend who is accommodative and to be fun with. But my world is still not how I pictured it. There are still heart-aches, loneliness, pain and sorrow.

That said, I have been analyzing my thoughts and moods over this year. I realized that somehow I have developed a melancholic temperament – always thinking about whatever I lost, or being depressed about the future. Not that my present is enjoyable or I have a hopeful future, but being in that state puts me down often. Also I realized that I don’t have a hope for tomorrow. I have gotten all my goals achieved and others crushed, and subsequently I didn’t formulate further goals to pursue. Going forth, I should change.

I want to write – my life in Belgium, sensational travel through western Europe and Egypt, what I learnt working with multi-national teams, how I struggle to build a better team at offshore, and so forth. I want to learn a musical instrument. I want to travel through India and see for myself what a vast country this is. Still I would like to improve FOW. Gosh! so much to do and all I am doing is sitting in a cubicle, clicking the mouse and hitting endlessly on the keyboard.

Sometime back, I watched an ad for Microsoft XBox. That was a cool one. It starts with a baby being born and the baby flies through the sky at a pace and he grows into a man as he flies and boom! he ends up in a coffin. And the caption says something like: Life is short, Enjoy every moment. Isn’t that true? Yes, it is.

Somehow I have made a balance of doing what I love and what gets me money. Currently I am tight with, what gets me money. But even then, I enjoy doing that. There is pressure and frustration; but it is a kind of love-hate relation. I like most of part of what I do, though I would like that the earth opens up and swallows few people, but hey, working with them is also a challenge!

As you see, my life is made up of bits and pieces of what I enjoy doing. That is enough for now to keep me going.

After almost an year, I got my baggage out of Belgium. I was finally convinced that there is simply no point in being foolish about my prospects of returning to the beautiful past. It was good, but over now. So I told my friend to pack and send them here. I had approached an agent here at this side, so that I don’t have to immerse myself into filling up endless documents. Still I had to go to air-cargo section in the airport to collect the baggage.

Man! I witnessed how money is made under the table. Well, it is no more under the table! It is so open. Just to quote one incident, I had to get a signature from the commissioner. I didn’t do anything wrong here, it is an official formality and he had to sign. First there is a fat-ass lady sitting outside, collecting what is called ‘entry-fee’. If you don’t pay her, you don’t get to the room. Then a peon comes along, slip him some bucks if he has to get your paper. Then innocently he will ask, ‘For him?’. Oh! In addition to the government paying the commissioner to do his job, I have to pay an additional amount to do his job. Wow! what a work, what a service! This continues until you get out with your baggage.

As I was unpacking and arranging the books, clothes and photos, I was walking back on the memory lane to the good old days! I could feel the fun I had, the loneliness I felt, the warmth I enjoyed with friends and so on. As I was pondering over, I thought of this quote from Churchill: “It is not the end, it is not even the beginning of the end. It is just the end of the beginning”. Over the years I will understand what that beautiful beginning lead me to.

I have been hurt and hurt badly again. It has been an year since I am back from Belgium, where I had such an enjoyable life. Ever since I am back, everything seems to be fizzling out. I was without a project for around three months; even when I got into a project, I was non-billable for three months. The project I am into is a production support one, which sucks the better part of my energy. I put in so much effort to build a team, which time-to-time doesn’t live up to the expectation. My promotion has been put on hold for a long time.

Amidst all of this, there was something beautiful happening. Or I thought so. Even after so much of hurt, I took the effort to come out of my shell and started to enjoy that beauty. I let the breeze of warmth enter my soul. I was dreaming again of a better life. Lo! the beauty that I thought was mine turned out to be an illusion. Now I am all the more hurt and struggling to face reality.